Oh criticism, where should we begin?

I don’t think I need to put much effort in to convince you that criticism has some huge negative consequences. I think it’s also fair to assume that we’ve all experienced our fair share of receiving criticism as well as dishing it out. None of us are perfect and part of our very human nature is to find the flaws and errors in the things and people around us as well as within ourselves (oh yes, everything we’re about to talk about applies to our self-criticism too.)

Now I know there’s that saying of “constructive criticism” but I often wonder if that’s a real thing. By definition, criticism is the expression of disapproval of one’s faults or mistakes and when this is applied to a relationship it really becomes something so much deeper than that.

Criticism is expressing that you see a character flaw and that there is something wrong with that person.

It’s not saying that something they did or said was wrong. It’s really communicating that there is something wrong with them as a person.

Let that sink in.

It stings, doesn’t it?

I don’t think the majority of us intend to hurt ourselves or others with criticism like that, but it’s so important that we understand the depth of destruction it brings regardless of our intentions.

Criticism vs. Complaint

Let me give you an example.

Criticism:

When you go to your wife/husband and say, “You’re being a complete jerk. You never take the time to listen to me! You’re always walking away and you’re so caught up in yourself.”

Assertive Complaint:

“I’m feeling very frustrated and when you spoke over me and walked out of the room I felt like you didn’t care and felt unheard.”

The Difference:

Criticism often shows up with the “you always”, “you never”, etc. That’s your first red flag. But also notice that the attention is completely on what is wrong with them and what they’re doing too much/too little of.

It’s not actually helpful and, in fact, it’s just a destructive attack.

Notice that within the assertive complaint there is a clear issue that needs to be addressed. There’s no use of the “always” and “nevers”, rather there is a clear focus on what actually happened. There are no assumptions, and there’s clear expression of their emotional reaction to the event.

They are owning their emotions and identifying what prompted them to feel that way without attacking the other person’s character.

The Four Horsemen

Criticism is one of Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen that leads a relationship to divorce. And rightfully so. Let’s be honest, criticism sucks. It’s painful and it doesn’t feel good to give or receive.

I might be biased, but I also don’t know that it’s very productive in making strong, positive changes. I think it just slows down the process because we have to do so much recovery from what we just heard just to find the message we can learn from. Criticism is so focused on what is wrong with the person and what they are doing that it’s really hard to generate a problem solving mindset that’s needed in the situation.

I think this applies to our relationships, our jobs, friends, problems that come up with strangers, etc. Criticism is destructive to marriages, but I really think we can expand that to all areas of our lives.

The Strengths of an Assertive Complaint

Here’s my theory on why it’s so dang hard to be assertive at times. Assertiveness means that we are really clear, direct, focused, and we’re not attacking. It also means that we aren’t making assumptions and we aren’t beating around the bush. So if all of that isn’t already a challenge let’s throw this in there.

Being assertive means we have to own our emotions, beliefs, values, and needs and we don’t hold back from communicating them clearly and setting our boundaries.

I don’t know about you guys, but sometimes that’s really scary to do. This is one of those times though that I encourage you all (and myself) to lean into vulnerability, own how you feel, and express it to your spouse when you have an issue. Own your reaction and why you are not comfortable with whatever happened, but most importantly, own your perspective and don’t assume you know theirs.

If you go in criticizing them about something but the root of that is that you’re feeling lonely, or you were worried sick when you didn’t hear from them, or you had high hopes of spending time together then you’re not being fair to yourself or them. You’re cutting yourself off from an opportunity to connect and manage an issue because criticizing only offers the facade of a defense.

So when I said “The Art of Criticism”, what I really meant was, “The Art of Avoiding Criticism a How to Get Your Complaint Heard.” That was just too long. Nevertheless, lets get into it!

Steps of Asserting a Complaint

  1. Ask yourself how you feel. Name every emotion that comes up.
  2. Ask why you feel that way. Don’t stop with “because he didn’t come home on time.” Dig deeper. Ask why that was painful to you. You’d be surprised to find how often the problem isn’t that they didn’t come home on time (for example) but it’s that you really wanted to connect or you needed their support, etc. So go deeper than the surface.
  3. Describe to your spouse what happened WITHOUT making assumptions and interpretations. Describe things very clearly and share how you feel. You statements like “I feel _____ when ____.”
  4. State very clearly what you need. Be mindful of your tone of voice and body language. If you feel mad that they came home late be clear that what you need is for them to call you when they know they’re behind.
  5. Lastly, LISTEN. Be willing to listen to what they have to say. Be willing to stay present and hear their apology. Be willing to listen to their ideas to problem solve.

I hope this was helpful in understanding criticism more deeply. It’s an easy place to go to in our communication when we feel upset. We have to keep in mind that, although we may feel upset about something, when we share our problems through criticism that is our contribution to the ineffective conflict cycle.

We have to practice our own mindfulness of ourselves, our emotions, our needs, etc. and be willing to mindfully communicate them in a productive way.

Don’t know what mindfulness means or looks like? No worries! I’m declaring April to be a month of mindfulness on Married&! Join me next week when I talk about how Mindfulness is Changing My Marriage!