A common story I hear from couples that are going through a rough patch is how “horrible” the other person is. They both say some variation of how the other person “never helps out” and how they “never appreciate anything.” In a way it’s funny that both people have the same story about the other person but it makes you wonder what threads in their story are true. When translated though, they’re both describing a culture of resentment within their marriage.
The danger of this is that when you start to resent the other person and develop a bitterness you’re actually developing contempt. (Read about the dangers of that here) Not only is this poison to your marriage in the moment but it also sets you off into a cycle of noticing every little thing you dislike about the person from how they load the dishwasher to how they talk to you and everything in between. As your irritation builds they feel that and respond back with their own irritation and resentment. Before you know it you’re deep in a conflict cycle and the culture of your home and marriage has changed.
This might happen and you make a repair to get back on track and the resentment is only a short term issue. But what about those times where the resentment sticks around? Without the repairs and the effort to notice the things you appreciate you run the risk of creating a long term culture of dislike for one another. That’s not to say that there aren’t legitimate reasons for you to be upset with each other at times, but when the struggles of your marriage is being viewed through a lens of bitterness you will not see the positives and strengths that are there. It’s like you’ve got blinders on and you both feel the repercussions of that, don’t you?
So what can you do?
1.) You both need to first acknowledge what is the current culture of your marriage.
What is the environment like? How are you both talking about your stressors and things that upset you? When conflict arises, do you talk respectfully or scream and slam doors? Do you struggle to describe things that you appreciate or fondly admire about the other person? Do you express that appreciation or the things that you love about the other person?
As you both talk about this be mindful of your urge to get defensive. Talk about this more in a matter of fact kind of way and DO NOT blame each other! Just honestly observe what things are like right now so that you have an opportunity to do something about it as opposed to fighting about it. This may sound something like, “I notice that we talk mostly negative about things and on Sunday nights when we’re getting ready for the week we often get into fights.” Or, “I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed and alone, which I’ve noticed has made me feel bitter towards you.” Another example is, “I’ve noticed we’ve been fighting more and it feels like we don’t like each other.” It’s important that you don’t blame each other here with the “You always do _____ and make me feel angry.” Use “I” statements and don’t make assumptions about the other person.
2.) Decide what kind of culture you want in your marriage.
Now that you’ve acknowledged where things are at right now it’s time for you both to decide and describe how you would like things to be going forward. Be as specific as possible. The goal here is to set intentions while acknowledging that it takes work and things won’t be changed over night. Make goals such as, “Lets be better about taking breaks when we’re too upset to talk respectfully.” Or, “Lets find ways to make things feel more calm and light hearted.” You know your marriage best and what you need. Be willing to own your own struggles too. If you know that you’ve been name calling or spiteful, own it. Pretending it isn’t happening doesn’t change anything and is only ignoring the problem. Not only that but owning your own behaviors diffuses the tension, can help you both get the ball rolling on figuring out what needs to change, and can validate your spouse’s experience. Lastly, by acknowledging what you plan to change and setting your intentions is the first step in creating a new and healthier conflict cycle.
3.) Take time to just appreciate and admire each other
Fondness and admiration go a long way in a relationship and there’s a lot of research to prove it. When you’re able to find and notice those things that are special to you about the person it’s like you’re building resiliency for the relationship, especially when you vocalize them. Everybody wants to feel like the person they are with values them and thinks they are something special. And on the flip side of that, I think we all want to be with someone that we think is just the best. Well, I hate to break it to you guys but sometimes you have to work at it to keep that up.
Sometimes you have to make intentional efforts and remind yourself what it is that you love about your partner. Why? Because when life is stressful and you feel disconnected and then you add the culture of bitterness on top of it your marriage is going to struggle and you’re going to be looking at your marriage with a negative perspective.
However, when you find regular ways to show how fond you are of your spouse it’s like you’re creating buffers for the hard times and setting the path for a long term culture of connection and admiration. It’s also going to keep you looking at things with a positive perspective. This means that when you have those hard days, weeks, or seasons you can say, “Man, things are tough and sometimes you drive me crazy but I know we’ll make it through like we have in the past.”
So, sit down and share with each other at least 5 things that you love and appreciate about each other. If you’re able to I’d encourage you to stay away from listing tasks they do like “I love that you clean the kitchen and take care of the kids.” Instead, try to expand on that more while focusing on your spouse as a person rather than their tasks. For example, “I love that you are a planner and think about our family’s week ahead and what we need. I appreciate how hard you work and how you love us.” So you’re still acknowledging their hard work while expressing what it means to you and noticing who they are. I’d challenge you even more though to think about things like how you love when you see them dancing around to their favorite song or the way they laugh.
4.) When you find yourself feeling frustrated, irritated, angry, etc. at your spouse think about the things you love.
Looking back and reflecting on the things you love about the person can help you move out of the place of bitter stubbornness and into willingness. If you’re trying to resolve an issue but you’re still in the stubborn and bitter place you’re unlikely going to be willing to understand their perspective, which is crucial. So, thinking about how you love that your spouse makes you laugh when you’re upset just might be the thing that increases you’re willingness and moves you away from resentment. This sounds small but truthfully it can play such a big role in changing your attitude, demeanor, perspective, and decrease the intensity of your emotions.
In addition to all of that, this not only fosters a culture of fondness for each other but it helps keep your perspective of things balanced. It helps keep the emotion side of your mind that wants to take over balanced with everything else.
So right now, before you do anything else turn to your spouse and express some love and admiration. Tell them why they’re special to you. If you’re not with them, text them. Send them a lovey/sexy text because changing the culture of your marriage starts now.